Hello Hello Hello

The three words I found calm in yesterday. An absolute flurry of dystopian, locked in, truman show vibes that lead to a meltdown that caused me to have 3 crying fits and a panic attack over the course of 3 hours....and to make things even better it all happened whilst on location in front of people.

When I become stressed or overwhelmed my body lovingly thinks it's in extreme danger so I become scared. Usually quite intensely. Yesterday it was the type of danger I couldn't hide from or ground my way out of. I had to sit with it and try to come to terms with it. Trying to find that comfortable within the uncomfortable. Stop moaning and trying to find a solution or constructive process that could lead me to where I could slam a sentence together without balling my eyes out.... easy to say that didn't happen. It ended in a full retreat to my bed, covered in a gravity blanket and chomping down 3 freddos and a kitkat in quick succession. All of this accompanied by the only calm my brain could understand and that was RuPaul's Drag Race. I have no idea why I find it so calming or soothing, because if you've ever seen it for yourself you know it's not exactly muted colours and dialogue. The thing I find my solace within is the tenacity these individuals show in the face of adversity; coming through their trials and trauma in a full face of make up and no fear in being exactly who they want to be. I think they show the courage I want to find in myself one day...... but for the meantime I will settle for the sheer hilarity of Monique Heart in All Stars 2. The thing about panic attacks they never just happen and disappear they leave this residue of pain and anxiety that you can't quite shake. For me it's left me exhausted and sore.....I should probably mention at this stage that my PTSD likes to lovingly give me pain when I'm really stressed. Could be stomach cramps, could be heavy shoulders, but this time it's tight hips. I have no idea why it does this but it's all down to unresolved trauma and has been compared to the symptoms of something like phantom limb. SO when I'm a day post panic attack it's safe to say I'm not doing much. One of the events that my brain can't quite process is the Barcelona terror attack in 2017. I was at the top the Ramblas when the van hit and I had the sea of terrified people running towards me. The smell and taste of fear was overwhelming, the sight of crying teenagers out with their friends calling family, the sound of screaming, crying and police helicopters circling. This is where my mind goes to when I'm overwhelmed. That there's so many elements to an experience that my body just stops. In 2017, that's exactly what my body did. It froze. Until a Spanish policeman held my shoulders and told me to keep moving until I was somewhere safe. I was en route to an art's class that was supposed to be some therapeutic solo downtime but turned into an enforced lockdown and a crash course in how to mark safe on facebook. At least we had wine and cheese. I think that somehow muddled my brain of how I should process that whole experience as it was supposed to be restful painting; which we did do, but we did it in an environment that was so intensely scary and stressful that we all tried not to talk about the horror that may or may not be going on outside. People didn't turn up to the class, was that because they were involved or deemed it unsafe? The first 30 minutes of the class were spent scrolling through twitter and trying to see what was going on beyond the metal roller shutters of the art gallery. Then it was phones down, wine glasses up and paintbrushes out to try and create a 'safe space' away from the trauma of the day.

That feeling of stiff upper lip and adrenaline getting you through something is one thing, but knowing when to stop and take stock is a skill I have yet to harness. Anyone would find this job stressful, as usually you need extra limbs and hours in the day to complete a list of tasks but you get through.....but my mind doesn't process like that anymore. When I find extreme challenge and I try to push through it my body decides it knows better and gives me pain usually accompanied by a panic attack. This loving way that my primal brain tries to protect me makes me feel that I'm bad at my job, that I'm not normal and the distinct feeling I'm not made for this type of work anymore. What I have to remember though is that ANYONE would find this challenging, that getting minimal sleep in an intensely stressful environment without your usual support system would rock anyone's boat.....it's just unfortunate that these things trigger a primal response that I have no control over.

So what do I do now?

I've retreated and stayed around my bunk today. Researching future elements for the show that are needed amongst the chaos of a filming location. It's some of the things that I have to do to make sure process on the show is accurate. It also gives me a chance to reduce the people around me. Reducing the chaos and panic around to get a bit of sanity back into my soul! When I'm stressed and fragile finding somewhere quiet to collect my thoughts is a must. Writing down my feelings to try and process them and pin point what it is about a situation that has sent me over the edge. I'm still unsure on that one but hoping that my day off tomorrow and some more head space can try and collect them a bit more. Although if I continue to feel the way I am now I'm not afraid of calling time on something that could be detrimental to my own wellbeing. A friend sent me a lovely voice note today highlighting this further with a lovely quote that is just what my brain needed to hear - "why are you still in prison when the door is open?" - you are free to go if you want to go." Just being reminded that I'm not in lockdown, I'm not in prison, I'm actually free to do what I want.... just the reminder of that has helped my attitude so much more, although the countdown to freedom has started...... 13 down, 20 to go......